Gracie Update

We had another doctor's appointment on Monday. Our visit was more of a follow up from our first visit. Our doctor, who is amazing, did another ultra sound and walked us through everything that is going on. Nothing looked worse but nothing looked better.
He showed us her brain and how it failed to split. He also said that her brain development is complete so there is no way that her brain could separate later on. He spent a little more time looking at her heart He said there were some issues with her aorta and it looked like there was a small hole in her heart which concerened him. He couldn't guarantee us that she would die but he also couldn't guarantee us that she would live. He did say that 60-80% of these type of cases end in death before the baby reaches it's due date.
After much discussion and prayer, Benji and I decided to forgo the amniocentesis. The amnio would tell us 100% if she had Trisomy 13 or 18. We just felt that Gracie's state is already so fragile that we don't want to do anything to jeopordize her life. Since there is no treatment for Trisomy we just decided that we would have her tested once she is born.
It was almost surreal to be sitting there with our doctor talking about the fatality of it all and then to see her on the screen moving her hands and using her little fingers to scratch her face. At this moment she is full of life and that is what we have to cling to. For the past two weeks we have been daily asking the Lord to help me feel Gracie's movements and God has answered our prayers. Since our very first prayer, I have felt Gracie kick on a daily basis. It is mainly at night once I settle into bed. I think she's a night owl! We are so thankful that God has anwered this specific prayer for us.
As silly as this seems I think that I was overwhelmed last night with the reality of the situation. For the past two weeks I've been trying to process medically everything is going on with Gracie. I been wondering how all this will play out and how much waiting we will have ahead of us. But last night as I rocked Caroline to sleep singing 'Jesus Loves Me' it hit me, I will never get to do that with Gracie. We are losing a daughter that we will never know. We will never get to see her gummy grin, or watch her learn how to crawl, or even give her a bath. When we leave that hospital it will just be me and Benji.
The thought of all this is overwhemling and feels unbearable. I find myself asking God if I am strong enough to face these things. I certantly don't feel that I am. Even as I sit here, I cannot find the words to describe how helpless I feel. The pain has only just begun and I know it will get worse.
Our only hope is that God will hear the cries of His people and save our little Gracie. We continue to pray for a miracle because that is our only hope. God is our only hope.